Flavor Theory: An Introduction

Apparently, discoursing on the nature of flavors is seen as outré in some segments of the blogging population -- looked down upon as some sort of pseudo-intellectualism gleaned from reading Fast Food Nation. Let me state this upfront: I HAVE NEVER READ THIS BOOK. My knowledge of flavors comes squeezed from my own mind grapes, transmitted there by my taste buds. Maybe also some articles from Time or The New York Times or Morris Day and the Time. But be assured: I am a self taught flavor theorist. My flavor theorizations are pure and authentic. Unsullied by Eric Schlosser or required reading as part of my liberal arts education, I have known flavor theory for at least five years. To my knowledge, I am the first and only flavor theorist. Let us begin --

For years, various and sundry academics, intellectuals, journalists, pundits, grandparents, and vice presidents' wives have attempted to explain what they see as the decline of our culture and civilization (be it American or World). What is to blame? Guns? Movies? Video games? Gays? Rap music? The decline of prudence regarding the erotic act? Despite the best efforts of these self-appointed cultural saviors, the answer to each of these possibilities has always been no.

Caligula

I prefer to look at the question this way: What, if any, are the most significant changes in the most base elements of human existence since the dawn of civilization? Is life now more violent, or more grotesquely violent? Certainly not. It may be easier to kill people, and plenty more people to kill, but wars and violence are nothing new. Have you seen Apocalypto?? I haven't, but I have heard about it. Let's look at the necessities of day-to-day survival. Do we poo or pee differently? Certainly not, only in different places (toilets). Do we copulate differently? No. By the end of Rome, everything had already been done. Everything. They may not have had "marital aids" but those only speed up the process, the bodily mechanics are essentially the same. Is sleep any different? More comfortably maybe, but no. What is left but eating and drinking?

In pre-modern times, before they had flavor science, humans were limited to those flavors naturally occurring in nature, like meat, berries, dirt, and squash. New flavors could only be developed by combining existing flavors, or modifying the flavor source in some way (cooked meat tastes different than raw meat, and meat marinated in a fine raspberry vinaigrette and then cooked tastes different still). Never were they able to produce new flavors radically different from those found in nature.

But now we can. Go to the grocery store and look at all the flavors: Blue Razz? Cooler Ranch?? Hot 'n' spicy Cheetos??? These do not even make sense. Not only that, but many flavors are given the names of naturally occurring flavors, when their taste is in fact far removed from the source. Have you ever had a watermelon Jolly Rancher? Then you know that I am right. These flavors are unnatural, and there are far too many. Our flavor library has to have at least tripled in size, and it has likely grown beyond even that! From the first taste of one of these perversions, our minds have been radically altered. This is too much. We cannot handle it. Our equilibrium, our collective unconscious, our sense of being, or whatever else you prefer to refer to, is totally fucked. Flavors are the root of our end.